Why striving for perfection is holding you back

Perfection is often considered the ultimate goal, but a fixation on it can be extremely destructive, experts are warning.

Perfectionists might struggle to see the big picture, focusing instead on the details. This can lead to postponed decisions, learning and achieving, the author of The Healthy Mind Toolkit, Dr Alice Boyes has warned.

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“Someone that’s a perfectionist doesn’t like to ever let anyone down, or doesn’t like to leave something undone,” Boyes said on a recent episode of the Harvard Business Review Women at Work Podcast.

“So, that can lead to doing a lot of unimportant things. Perfectionists tend to ruminate a lot over mistakes and spend far too much time and effort trying to avoid any mistakes, rather than seeing the big picture and categorizing mistakes as either mistakes that are important or mistakes that are relatively unimportant.

“So, they’ll avoid making decisions.”

It’s easy to see the problems that snowball from here, but perfectionists can also choose to leave entire projects undone, rather than risk an imperfect end product.

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An obsession with perfection can begin at childhood, Boyes said, as children learn that high achievements are rewarded. In adulthood, this can transition into imposter syndrome, or the erroneous belief that success isn’t warranted.

She added that perfectionism is a bigger problem for women. Research indicates women’s mistakes are remembered for longer, while standards are also higher.

Noting this, Boyes said it’s critical that women don’t internalise these expectations.

“There is a real argument that imposter syndrome is a reaction to real sexism,” she said, encouraging perfectionists to acknowledge that, rather than point the finger at themselves.

“I worry about our bravery deficit”

In a major TED talk, founder of Girls Who Code, Reshma Saujani warned society is raising girls to be perfect and boys to be brave.

She said there is a “bravery deficit”, and pointed to research finding that at 5th grade school level, girls – despite routinely outperforming boys – were also more likely to give up.

“The difference is in how boys and girls approach a challenge,” she said.

According to an internal Hewlett Packard report, men will apply for a role even if they only meet 60 per cent of the qualifications. Women will apply only if they meet 100 per cent.

“This study is usually invoked as evidence that women need a little more confidence,” Saujani said.

“But I think it’s evidence that women have been socialised to aspire to perfection and they’re overly cautious.”

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What can we do?

If you’ve ever put off doing a job because you’re scared you won’t do it perfectly, wallowed in past mistakes or spent too much time on minutiae, it’s likely you have some self-destructive perfectionist behaviours.

The solution could be to take a break and focus on the big picture.

As Boyes explained, people who are working too hard can easily lose sight of this.

“You really learn from taking more breaks that you end up working on those really important things more and you find it easier to let go of the things that are less important or do the things that are less important to just a bare minimum standard.

“Again, you need to lead with behaviour and expect that your thoughts and feelings will catch up with your behaviour.”

She said serial procrastinators can try things like giving themselves an entire day to do jobs they’ve been putting off, like consolidating super, writing emails or choosing health insurance. Then once the task is done they’ll have the rest of the day.

Boyes said project-specific to-do lists are also useful, as they can help break tasks down into manageable segments and themes.

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In a counselling document, University of Sydney also suggested students set flexible and realistic goals, rather than consistently difficult goals.

Perfectionists should also try to celebrate their successes and accept mistakes as a part of learning.

Clear timelines around priorities are also critical; spending 50 per cent of your time on a minor task isn’t practical, but turning the laptop off or putting the pen down can be difficult if it is left unfinished. Timelines are crucial to address this.

It’s also good to bear in mind the words of social psychologist and perfectionism expert, Thomas Curran.

“Perfection, by definition, is an impossible goal, and that’s the first thing to say.”