Thanksgiving’s a time for us to count our blessings. For some teams, like New England, that could take most of the afternoon. Others, like Washington and Cincinnati, could knock theirs out by the end of this sentence. As America’s day of devouring approaches, here’s what every team has to be thankful for this holiday.
Arizona Cardinals: Thankful that nobody’s suggesting Kyler Murray go back to baseball.
Atlanta Falcons: Thankful that as long as everyone’s talking about how bad they are this year, nobody’s talking about 28-3.
Baltimore Ravens: Thankful for health, happiness and togetherness … and also the fact that every other team passed on Lamar Jackson.
Buffalo Bills: Thankful they got the best of the Allen Quarterbacking Armada.
Carolina Panthers: Thankful that at least Cam Newton isn’t giving away all their footballs on game day.
Chicago Bears: Thankful that one day, all of this will crumble into dust, and maybe at that point people will stop reminding them they picked Trubisky over Watson and Mahomes.
Cincinnati Bengals: Thankful for the NFL’s revenue-sharing broadcast agreements.
Cleveland Browns: Thankful that they could now literally set their own stadium on fire and still wouldn’t crack the top 10 worst Cleveland seasons ever.
Dallas Cowboys: Thankful we live in a nation where people have the right to free speech, the right to worship the deity of their choice, and the right to turtle up on fourth down and wave a white flag.
Denver Broncos: Thankful that John Elway’s legacy as the Greatest Bronco Ever looks to be secure for the foreseeable future.
Detroit Lions: Thankful that Matthew Stafford’s back, broken from carrying this team for so long, might not be a total loss.
Green Bay Packers: Thankful that at least Brett Favre isn’t talking about coming out of retirement to fix this team. (He’s not, is he? What have you heard?)
Houston Texans: Thankful that their regular season ends with the Bucs, Broncos and two servings of Titans. It’s like a second Thanksgiving!
Indianapolis Colts: Thankful that nobody’s saying they’re going to detonate without Andrew Luck anymore.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Thankful that Nick Foles is being a real team player by not creating a quarterback controversy.
Kansas City Chiefs: Thankful that the stellar play of Lamar Jackson and the Baltimore Ravens have given KC’s fans a chance to see an extra playoff game this January.
Los Angeles Chargers: Thankful for the five fans that showed up in Chargers gear last game, even if they were tourists who had no idea what they’d wandered into.
Los Angeles Rams: Thankful they won’t have to worry about getting humiliated in the Super Bowl two years in a row.
Miami Dolphins: Thankful that the season’s already over and they can enjoy a delightful offseason in the warm Florida sun … wait, what?
Minnesota Vikings: Thankful that at least their quarterback has a better completion percentage than most of these jokes.
New England Patriots: Thankful that the AFC East has rolled over for the 19th straight year, and that the “deal” Belichick and Brady struck way back when with that mysterious stranger at the crossroads is still in force.
New Orleans Saints: Thankful that the refs keep giving Sean Payton a reason to go on coaching … so he can burn it all down.
New York Giants: Thankful that they’ve got a guy who can bail out Daniel Jones if he keeps struggling, some guy named Eli.
New York Jets: Thankful for the Knicks, Mets and Giants guaranteeing there’ll always be a worse team in the Greater New York Metropolitan Area.
Oakland Raiders: Thankful the city of Oakland didn’t collect a security deposit way back when, ‘cause they’re gonna trash the joint on the way out of town.
Philadelphia Eagles: Thankful the Rams picked Jared Goff instead of Carson Wentz a couple years back.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Thankful there’s a quarterback by the name of Ben slated to rejoin the team next year.
San Francisco 49ers: Thankful that “could this team hang with the Montana-Young-Rice 49ers” is now a sentence you can utter without breaking down in laughter halfway through.
Seattle Seahawks: Thankful that everyone forgets about them, tucked up there in the corner of the country, right up until they’ll put cleats on your chest in January.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Thankful for the consistently interesting and thought-provoking performances out of Jameis Winston. We’re supposed to say only nice things here, right? Yes. Consistently interesting. Always something to discuss.
Tennessee Titans: Thankful they don’t have to deal with their own version of the Jameis Winston problem anymore.
Washington Redskins: Thankful that at least Daniel Snyder can’t ruin Thanksgiving. Yet.
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