Yahoo Finance Dating? 5 Financial Issues That Make You Look Unappealing
When you're dating and looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, it can be a long, tough slog, and if things are going badly, it might be tempting to look in the mirror and wonder if you need a new hairstyle or wardrobe. But maybe, instead, you should be looking in your wallet.
After all, money, or the lack of it, is often blamed for divorces, and plenty of couples fight over it. For instance, according to a new Love & Money study by TD Bank, in which 1,339 people who were married, engaged and in a relationship were surveyed, many respondents reported arguing about money, especially the millennials. Thirty-six percent of millennials reported fighting about their finances at least once a week, compared with 15 percent of Gen Xers (ages 35 to 54) and 7 percent of baby boomers (ages 55 and up).
If your relationships aren't lasting very long, you might do well to ask yourself the following.
Is your debt affecting your dating life? Hopefully nobody would tell you not to try and find love if you're in debt. That said, if your debt is interfering with your ability to have quality time with your date, maybe you should spend more time pleasing your debt collectors for a while, instead of a potential partner.
If you're always suggesting to your date that you do something cheap, say renting a movie and having pizza at home, that can be a real red flag for a partner, says Toni Coleman, a McLean, Virginia-based psychotherapist and relationship coach who works with single adults.
Do you complain about your money problems? Another big turnoff is discussing your debt at length, Coleman says, offering up this example: "Talking about your high child support payments and how this has impacted your lifestyle."
You might think that sounds harsh. After all, shouldn't your one and only care about the financial issues weighing you down?
Well, sure, especially if you've been an item forever. But if you haven't been dating long, think about the message you're sending.
"It's never attractive to hear a guy constantly complain about things being expensive and what they can't afford ... It can make a girl feel like she's being a financial burden," says Ashley Papa, a New York City-based writer who pens pieces about relationships for Fox News Magazine, an online lifestyle publication.
"It's also not necessary to let a girl know just how much you spent or sacrificed on her," Papa adds. "Yes, we know things are expensive these days, but there are plenty of frugal things a guy can do for a girl that still shows he cares and is interested."
Do you have lavish tastes? Even if you are saving for your retirement and a rainy day, do you throw around the green stuff in a way that suggests you think money grows on trees? You might be scaring off some potential partners.
Kim Beeler, who lives in Lake Oswego, Oregon, says she has been unmarried for 16 years. During that period, she has started her own business, a marketing firm, and also owns a home and has money saved for retirement.
So when she dates someone who doesn't seem anywhere near as fiscally responsible as she is, she can't help but wonder about the guy.
"The major turnoff for me when dating is men who come across reckless with their money," Beeler says, citing men she has dated or met who have fancy cars and expensive boats.
On the surface, that may not sound like a big deal. Fancy cars and expensive boats? Who wouldn't want to date someone with expensive toys?
But Bela Gandhi, founder and president of the Smart Dating Academy, a national personal consulting firm that offers dating coaching and other services, including image consulting, says that "flashiness is a red flag that's unattractive."
Gandhi says it can signal to a partner that you're insecure, that you have a perhaps unhealthy desire to impress and that you have the potential to be financially irresponsible.
Indeed, Beeler says, "I'm seeking a partner who is also sensitive to that balance of enjoying life and having nice things, but within a realistic and manageable budget."
And men feel the same way, says Gary Spivak, founder of a new website, FidelityDating.com, which markets itself to people who have been cheated on or betrayed and are looking for a faithful partner.
"I know a lot of single men who are looking for a woman who is not materialistic, low maintenance. So a high-maintenance woman who is all about the brand names and bling is a turn off," he says.
Are you bad at discussing money? It doesn't come easily to everyone, especially if you have money problems, and while you may think you're deftly dodging questions when they come up, maybe you aren't. Unless your date isn't very bright, he or she probably recognizes what you're doing.
"If your date feels uncomfortable around financial topics, there may be some financial secrets in the closet," says Natasha Campbell, the founder and CEO of Lifestyle Success Unlimited LLC, an Orlando, Florida-based financial education company.
Or maybe you're being a little too free with the information you share?
Lisa Kindel, a freelance multimedia consultant in Frankfort, Kentucky, says she was dating a wealthy guy who "in a drunken conversation," told her that "he didn't think marriage was a financially viable option and a wife wasn't enough of a tax write-off. I dumped him after that."
Do you have bad credit? If you have substantial debt, you may well have bad credit, and that can definitely impact relationships.
"If a man gets a call or mail from a collection agency and I know about it, it's an issue for me," says Karen Hilton, who works in health care and lives in Waterville, Maine.
It's apparently an issue for a lot of people. In 2013, FreeCreditScore.com polled 1,000 adults and found that approximately 30 percent of women and 20 percent of men said that they wouldn't marry a person with a low credit score.
Conversely, down the road in a relationship, if you have a good credit score and you bring that up to your significant other, it may help strengthen your union. Christine Baumgartner, an Orange County, California-based dating and relationship coach, says that five months into a relationship, her boyfriend invited her to go on a cruise with him, his 16-year-old daughter and one of his daughter's friends.
"On this cruise, he gave me two gifts I didn't ask for," Baumgartner says. "One was diamond stud earrings and the other was his credit report. He said he remembered from my online dating profile I had said I wanted a man who was financially stable and because he was falling in love with me he wanted me to know his finances were fine."
The credit report gesture was pretty shrewd. Baumgartner ended up marrying him.
More From US News & World Report
