Yahoo Finance Australian mum exposes harrowing reality of financial abuse: 'Had to beg for money'
Sarah thought she'd met 'the one' but eventually realised her partner was trying to control her finances and destroy her mental strength. But there can be a path out.
When Australian mother-of-two Sarah* met Evan* [not their real names] in 2019, she felt she'd met her soul mate. But within just 15 months, the former real estate agent’s whirlwind romance had turned into an abusive and controlling relationship which she was forced to escape with nothing but the clothes on her back.
Weeks after their first date, Evan moved into her home, taking control of the household finances. That included Sarah’s personal account, which he changed the password and security details to lock her out.
“I didn’t get an allowance, I had to beg or prove I needed money,” Sarah told Yahoo Finance, adding she had to show Evan grocery receipts and ask him to put money into an Uber account for her daughter.
“He would only give me money for food and at times my card wouldn’t work as he kept very little ($30) in it, so I had to often call home to ‘please help’ as I couldn’t pay for parking,” she said. “I had to send a picture of the register and only then would he put money on the card.”
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Sarah said she thought she "loved and adored" Evan but ended up "isolated and petrified". She is speaking out so others can identify coercive control, which escalates over time and is a strong precursor to financial abuse and even violence.
Coercive control is now a criminal offence with a maximum jail term of 14 years in Queensland, which recently passed Hannah’s Law following relentless lobbying by the parents of Hannah Clarke who was tragically murdered with her three children, by their father in 2020, following a long history of abuse.
Melissa Perry, CEO of White Ribbon Australia, said financial abuse often includes surveillance, intimidation, isolation, humiliation, threats and manipulation. Gaslighting is another factor and victims often feel like they are going mad, particularly if they're told they are “crazy” or “delusional”.
Sarah told Yahoo her relationship with Evan blossomed quickly. He lavished her with expensive gifts, flattery and lots of attention leaving her feeling "quite vulnerable".
“He would say, ‘Oh, you are gorgeous, amazing. I’ve never felt like this before’,” she said. “He even said he had 'manifested' me and I was 'the one' – the universe had put us together.”
But it wasn’t long before Evan showed his true colours.
A toxic pattern of abusive behaviour and derogatory put-downs emerged, followed by apologies, love bombing and “guilt gifts”, leaving Sarah feeling “tormented” and gaslit. She claimed Evan accused her of having affairs, put a tracker on her phone, stalked her and threatened a male friend.
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“This absolutely petrified me,” Sarah said. “I was becoming a nervous wreck. It's like being in a cage —unless you know the code, it’s so hard to get out. You are left broken, there is so much shame."
Eventually, police removed Evan from the property and Sarah was taken to a safe house.
Melissa Histon, founder of Got Your Back Sista, said some early red flags of future financial abuse include moving a relationship forward quickly – such as saying "I love you", offering a strong commitment or describing someone as a "soul mate" very early on.
She advised women to have enough money to manage for at least three months in case they had to leave in a hurry.
Do you have a story to tell? Contact yahoo.finance.au@yahooinc.com
How can I escape financial control in an abusive relationship?
Contact 1800 Respect to talk to an experienced counsellor. They can connect you with services that may help you access a safe house or refuge. You might be advised to speak to a DV Liaison Officer at your local police station.
Scott Pape, founder of The Barefoot Investor, said abusers convince their partners they have all the power, and almost always controlled the money to keep them trapped. He said there are steps some people can take to set up an escape fund:
Call your bank’s hardship department. “They will open a bank account in just your name that he can’t access," Pape said. "The best banks will even fund it with some ‘getaway money’.”
Lock everything down. Change passwords and PINs, lock your phone’s privacy and location tracking settings. Get information on shares, property and superannuation, marriage and birth certificates.
Go see a family lawyer. The first meeting will be free and they’ll explain that you’re entitled to a share of the assets and will create a financial roadmap on how to end your partnership.
* Names have been changed to protect their identity.
If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency, always call triple-0.
